Untitled 39

She sits outside
watches the clouds move in;
the sun disappears.
A noticeable chill arrives
when the sun is hidden.
Rain drops begin to fall.
She watches the drops hit the leaves.
She thinks the weather matches her mood.

7-5-2022

I wish you would realize
that some times, many times,
you’re not actually a very good friend.
You’re demanding.
You’re judgmental.
You can never just let people be.

You think you know me,
but you really only know
the version of me you made up.
You insert yourself in places you don’t belong.
I love you to death
and I’ll always be your friend.
But I wish you could see
how much of an ass you are
and that I don’t actually need
any of the help you offer.

I just need a friend who will listen
and not repeat what I say to the entire world.
A friend who will be around
not try to tell everyone else about me.
A friend to be my friend
and not try to interfere with my life
or the people I choose to be in my life.
I don’t need your help with my other friends
or making new friends;
they can get to know me all on their own.
Just be my friend;
that is all I need.

7-4-2022

Everyone thinks they know me,
thinks they’ve got me figured out.
The truth is, though, no one really does.
I hear a lot of who I am
and what I want
from all the people around me.
They never quite get it right.
They think they’ve figured me out,
but no one really does.
I wonder if someday
someone will come alone
who actually understands me,
who ignores what they assume about me
and takes the time to actually know me.

He Tried.

He tried so hard,
everyday,
to be everything she needed,
everything she wanted,
but nothing seemed to be right.
He just never seemed to figure her out.
He always fell short,
never as good as the other guy.

He watched her jump
from guy to guy
because after awhile
they didn’t fit either.
She always ended back to him
just to leave again.

He should leave too,
but he never did.
He spent his time
trying to figure out
the exact formula to make her stay,
to make her see him.

He’d never stop hoping
that some day,
just once,
she’d turn around
and see him as more than a place holder.

Stories from the End.

We stumbled upon this document on our search for a place to live in this broken world. We had hope that someone somewhere was rebuilding everything we lost all those years ago.

Humans destroyed the world they lived in, in 2032. They blew each other up. Many survived. Many attempted to rebuild. A few succeeded in time. Here are the scattered journal entries from the time after the bombs that we, a society that rebuilt, have put together. We hope this teaches the  children of the future what happens when you allow chaos to ensue and bombs to fly instead of words.

I sat alone at a desk. I thought I heard a person talking to me through the computer. I thought it was before. When I looked again I saw the cracked screen and dust filled keyboard. Sometimes I forget it is now. Sometimes I forget we do not get calls through the computer. Sometimes I forget the world fell apart before we could put it back together. The light at the end of the tunnel went black and now I am sitting in front of a cracked screen listening to voices from the past. Kindergarten lessons used to happen here. Now it’s quiet. The world was broken and now it’s gone. I am not alone, but I am. The light went dark and now we have nothing. What am I saying? Who am I talking to? Can we rebuild or will we die out. Nature has taken back its space and pushed us aside. Buildings crumble and trees grow through windows. Meadows pop up where intersections once were. Coyotes live in garages that used to house cars. Nature has won. Humans barely survive. Winters are cold again. Summers bearable. Climate changed slowed when the factories turned off. Animals moved in, but didn’t turn them back on. Nature won and humans lost. What comes next? Will I ever stop talking to a broken computer. Will I ever stop forgetting that the world has moved on without me? Humans time is over. I’ll make my stand with the few who are left and watch to see what comes next. The time of humans is over. Nature has won. 

The world is quiet now. I cannot say I am unhappy. I do not mind the quiet. I sometimes miss the people, but I still find them sometimes. The world is quiet now. I have always wondered what it would be like to sit in actual silence. I can’t say I mind it. The distant hum of cars doesn’t exist. The lingering sounds of distant conversations don’t hang in the air. The sounds of footsteps are gone. The birds tweet and the coyotes scream, but silence can be found without the sounds of humanity. Humans made the world loud, now it is quiet. I can’t say I have suffered. I was born to live like this. Isolation doesn’t drive me insane like it did with others. I can go weeks without talking to anyone but the trees. Maybe I am already insane. The quiet is nice. Quiet cities are my favorite place. Once they were loud and now they are silent. The animals live in high rise apartments now. The birds have turned them into nests. My voice echos down the narrow streets. The silence is deafening. It was weird when I first walked through, but now it is welcome. I can’t say this world hasn’t changed me, but I think it’s for the best. I am at peace. I am happy to see humanity fail. We were the real plague. Nature has won. I’ll enjoy it till the end and hope the future holds wonderful things for the planet. 

I can’t take it anymore. A year of silence. A year of nothing. I have nothing. I have no purpose. Everything is over. The silence is killing me. I am not made for this world. Nature has beaten me and I cannot do this anymore. I believed humans would win.  I counted on it. I survived; I wish I didn’t. I can’t live like this. The isolation is killing me. Humans don’t group together. Family units only. I have no family. I need a way out. I need the end. Society failed and I have nothing. The trees and coyotes and squirrels can’t be my companion. I am nothing without work. I have no purpose without direction. I have no peace. Doing nothing but surviving isn’t how humans work. I was fine till the economy collapsed and going to work wasn’t necessary. I defined myself by my work and now I am nothing. Good bye. Good bye. Good bye. I hope this works and I die quickly. Suicide is my only option now. Goodbye. I can’t live like this. Nature has one and I have lost. 

When the world ended, well society fell apart. The wars started. I ignored it. The world grouped together in large clans and fought for supplies, and I ignored it. I hide in my house and lived my life. Then the big clans broke up and small clans within each country formed and fought for supplies. I picked the clan that was closest to me and I stayed in my house and ignored the world. The world fell apart around me and I just did not care. I still do not care. The clans are smaller and the battles are boring. I stopped picking aside and ignored the world. I hunt when I’m hungry. I learned to grow food. I learned how to defend my small property. I found a dog and he became my partner. I ignore the world. The world ignores me. I write in my journal. I trade with my neighbors. They offer me protection, but I decline because the world has gone to shit and I do not care. I always wanted a life without society and I have come to terms with the life I will lead till I die. I have accepted my fate and I am happy. 

I am hungry. I am hungry all the time. I joined a town or clan or group months ago so I wouldn’t have to be hungry anymore. But the food is always gone. Others get to go first. I haven’t been full in months. Before I joined I hunted well enough, but it was suppose to be easier with a clan. They don’t care. They accept people for protection, but they only feed themselves. They say sorry no more left. Go find more capable hunters. I think I am going to leave. I’d rather die trying to feed myself then die starving while guarding others eating. They don’t let you leave. That should have been a warning. But I was so hungry I did not care. The feast the first week was amazing and there was promise of more. Then they told me the food had slowed and they needed to make sure they had enough to get people to join. They told me I couldn’t hunt on my own. They told me I was in line for food. They told me to watch the wall and welcome new people. I did it. Every day I hoped for a sandwich and every day I starved on the wall. When the sun goes down I will no longer starve. When the sun goes down I am going to disappear and find something to eat. When the sun comes up I’ll be reported as missing. They’ll try to find me, but I’ll be full and hiding and I’ll never be starved by another again. 

The vaccines were suppose to be the end. The shit was suppose to be over when we all got the vaccines. I remember sitting in the vaccine center when it was my turn thinking I was helping to end the shit. I remember being hopeful that in a few months life would be back to normal. I remember hoping that I could see all my friends again. I remember thinking life could finally start again. I remember being so naive. I remember oh do I remember. Then the bombs fell. I remember walking down the street and hearing them. I thought it was a plane crashing. I searched the skyline for what ever was happening. The fires exploded everywhere. I ran. I remember thinking what could possibly be happening. I did not once consider it could be a bomb. I did not once think we were being attacked. I did not even consider it. It was something I never considered a possibility. I was American. We did the attacking. We did not get attacked. I was american. What was I now? Just a human. A suffering human. I remember finally making it home. I remember asking every one what was going on. I found them watching the news. That was when I learned we were being attacked. It just got worse from there. America, it turns out, could not survive an attack. We were not the biggest baddest. We were not the exception. America was over. We now fought for our own existence and tried to suffer less. The vaccine was suppose to bring back normal, but the world had different ideas. Destruction. That is all that’s left of humanity. But maybe that’s all humanity ever was. 

I hear a lot of talk about the survival of the human race.  I wonder why they did not care before everything ended. If this many people cared before we may not have blown the world away. We may not have destroyed basically all of humanity over petty arguments. We may have tried to save the planet. People like to act like everything was great before the bombs. But we all know the world was already dying and it was our fault. We never took care of the planet. It was already starting to change in a way that caused humans danger. We had severe storms. A pandemic. Animals going extinct. Weather patterns that did not make sense. The danger was already coming. The bombs just hurried the process. In the end, though, nature won. When humans destroy themselves nature moves back in. Animals thrived. Trees grew. The weather settled into a more predictable pattern. The earth warmed and cooled naturally instead of fueled by human technologies. The earth did better without humans. That was just a fact. I hope humans never rebuild , but I never admit that. I’d probably be kicked from the camp if they knew I liked the world better like this. 

The loneliness is something I did not expect. When the world went to hell I thought I would be okay. I thought I’d find my family and my friends and we would be able to ride this out together. I’d be lying if I said I had not thought about the end of the world. I thought about it a lot. I made plans. And I always thought I’d survive along with the people closest to me. That did not happen. Within the first few weeks I lost everyone. I never found most of my family and had to assume they were either out there somewhere or had died in the beginning. I found some of my friends, but they did not handle anything well and also died fairly quickly. Everyone I found seemed to die. They made stupid mistakes. They trusted the wrong people. They just all died. I tried to make rules to help the people I found survive, but it never seemed to work. They all just kept dying. I had a choice to make. Keep trying to save people or just be alone. I couldn’t stand to watch anymore people die, but would I be able to survive alone? I did not know, but dying alone had to be better than watching everyone you care about die. I made my choice and went off alone. I was fine other than the loneliness. It was killing me and I could not deny that. I could feed myself and find shelter with ease, but the human mind was not meant to only talk to itself. I started writing this journal hoping it would help, but I am still talking to something that cannot really talk back. When I die it will be the loneliness that kills me. I am capable of surviving, but I wish I could have just one person with me. 

Dead bodies.

Dead bodies every where.

All I see are dead bodies. 

Dead people. 

Dying people.

The world is full of dead people. 

Am I dead? 

Are you dead? 

Who am I talking to? 

What do I hear?

Dead bodies.

Dead bodies every where. 

They say dying young is the worst outcome. I say living through the final days of humanity is worse. I wish I died when the bombs fell. I wish I died in the wars after. I wish I wasn’t so good at surviving. Now people depend on me and now I have to keep living. Maybe I’ll write again or maybe I’ll keep hoping a tree falls on me either way good luck out there humans. 

All I ever wanted in my life was to fall in love with a nice boy and live happily ever after. THAT WAS ALL I WANTED! But I had to be born during the end times. I had to be born during the time humans decided it would be a fun idea to explode the world. Now I’ve got no nice men and no big house and no damn food. I have eaten too many squirrels and I do not like squirrel. The boys are weird and survivalist. My father will not let me associate with anyone. I live in a damn tent with my brother. I just want my life or a life. I just wish humanity could have rebuilt or could try. Every time I think we’ve found people who are trying to build society some other group attacks and it all crumbles. WHY ARE HUMANS SO INTENT ON DESTRUCTION? Why can’t we go back to a world seen thought cell phone cameras and  back to liking pictures and dating through chats and swiping left and right. I just want to go back. I want something else. This sucks. I hope we can fix this, but my dad says the world is over and get used to surviving. But some country had to have made it right? I can be rescued and given a new life is some random country that’s out there saving people? Maybe I am just dreaming. I don’t know. I just am so unhappy. This sucks. Everything sucks. I will write tomorrow if I find more paper. 

Before the bombs fell I was nothing. I had nothing and was nothing. My family had died off long before. I barely made enough money to pay for my house and food. I spent my days working and my nights drinking. I beat the crap out of my wife and she packed up and left in the middle of a random week in august. It was humid and gross the day she left. She was a women with too many opinions and her face fit nicely at the end of my fist. But she left because women were allowed to do those things then. But that was then. Now I am everything to these people. They live and breath and eat when I say so. They were scared when I found them and now they live to serve me. I take the women I want for wives and send the men to work. The disobedient women and the ones I don’t like get sent to work as well. Womanly jobs and married off to men I choose for them. The end of society has been wonderful for me. Others try to bring me down, but so far they have failed. I am the new king and I’ll expand my kingdom till I die. I was nothing and now I am everything. Forever the ruler of these humans. 

I was on a date the day the bombs fell on DC. A lunch date with a the weirdest man I think I have ever met. I’ll never forget how fast he ran when the first explosion went off. It was almost like he knew exactly what it was, and maybe he did. Some people had known it was coming; they talked about the possibilities all day and night on the news. I sat there wondering what that was. My brain assumed it was a construction accident so I kept sitting there and wondering what was wrong with the man I was on a date with. By the third explosion I knew something was wrong so I stood up and left. I walked home and turned on the news. I saw that it had begun, the invasion I guess, but I did not think it was going to be anything more than one attack. I figured they got one over the military and then when our military showed up it would be all over. I figured it would just be another terrorist attack. We had already been at war over seas for awhile so I figured it was just a blip, an extension of that and by the next year we would be doing remembrance gatherings. A year later I was not even in DC anymore. A year later I was prisoner in some camp and then on the run. My entire life was gone, or rather just completely new. I had almost been killed numerous times. I had been in battles with the enemy and our own people. The world was chaos, or at least my world was chaos. I never thought I would be sitting here alone writing on some old journal about a war on US soil. I never thought we, as a country, would actually fall. It’s been, I dont even know how many years, but its all over and has been for awhile. Rumors fly about rebuilding happening, but that never turns out to be true. I have settled with the fact that I will die hungry and alone. I wish I had known it was all going to end this way. I would have done so many things differently; I would have had so many more experiences. I would have told more people how I really felt about them. I just would have lived better. 

I walked for miles until I found these gates. I had heard months ago about a new group who had been successfully rebuilding a society. People had jobs and houses and a real family life that was like the old days. I had been waiting years to find something. I have been a part of many attempts, but they all failed. Humans were too greedy and too drunk with power to get along. I do not know if this one will make it, but it is better than any other one I have been a part of. 

I wake up every day and get ready for work. I work in a shop down the street from my apartment. It is simple and I enjoy every day. They pick where you work after your initial interview. Some people found that insulting, but I liked not having to make a choice. I liked simple. Life has been so hard for so long. 

Best thing about being part of this group is the food. There is always food. I never have to e hungry. My fridge is full. If I never have to be without a full fridge again I can die happy. I also do not have to kill my own food; I can just buy it and it is magically. 

It took a long time for people to get back to some kind of normal. We changed a lot of things and live to take care of the earth and its inhabitants. It doesn’t always work and people still try to go too far. They get overwhelmed by power and head down a similar path that almost wiped out all humanity. We leave these entries as a reminder of what can happen when humanity gets out of control. We hope you learn from the past and never allow humans to suffer like this again. We have the power to keep earth a livable planet and to keep the peace. Life may seem controlled and boring, but we know what is it best and a life controlled by us is better than a life controlled by chaos. 

Scribbled in blood at the bottom of the document was this warning:

Don’t ever listen to them. We tried to fight back; we failed this time. There has to be something better than this. Do not ever stop fighting back. It is not what they say.

Friends.

She doesn’t have a lot of friends
not because she doesn’t want them,
but rather they seem hard to keep.
She’s hard to get to know;
She knows that.
But they all seem to find someone easier,
It’s always only a matter of time.
She knows she could try harder,
but trust is hard to give
when so many people
have broken it over the years.

6-29-2022

Why do you always choose her?
The person who never treats you well.
She claims to be your friend
then does nothing but tear you down.
You tell me she has changed,
you tell me she won’t act like that again
then a week later you’re crying
and she did what she always does.

I’ll never understand why you take this abuse,
and why you keep going back.
It is almost like you enjoy the torture.
I’ll never understand why you don’t walk away
and leave her to be someone else’s problem.

Over and over you go,
the same arguments,
the same pain,
nothing ever changes.

I give you every opportunity for an escape.
I give you new people and places to explore.
But you always choose her
and end up right back where you started.

4:30AM.

4:30AM.
The only part of the day that is just mine.

The sky is still dark
regardless of the time of year.

In the summer the animals are scurrying.
The bird just starting their songs.
Humans are quiet,
most of them still asleep.
It is one time of day that belongs to me.

In the winter it’s dark and cold
and the street lights reflect off the snow.
The snow falls from the sky,
invisible until it finds a light.
Humans are inside warm and sleeping.
Animals looking for food quickly
to avoid the bitter cold air that exists
before the sun comes up.

4:30AM.
My favorite time of day
before the sun,
before the humans,
before the chaos of society
begins again.